Lights, cameras, action-rom-com. My milkweed garden has it all going on. The dead bodies have piled up, murder suspects lurk around every leaf, the mob is running an illegal farming operation, and a gorgeous leading lady is on a secret mission. And, sex is happening. Everywhere. In plain sight. 

If we were talking about people, the police wouldn't be able to keep up with it all.  

Picture "The Lost City," "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," "Goodfellas," "Thelma and Louise," and "Lethal Weapon." With bugs in the starring roles. You've got one summer R-rated blockbuster set in a 5-foot-square garden in the non-fictional Monarch City.

Come to think of it, the police still can't keep up.

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Our movie opens with Joe Pescibeetle muttering “okay, okay, okay” floundering around on his back in an empty plastic container under a brown-eyed susan. Officer Waters springs into action to save Joe when his buddies Mel Gibsonite and Danny Clover are nowhere to be found.

Using the distraction as cover, Angelina Jolibutter glides over the top of the weathered stockade fence and flutters to a stop on a rose bush.

The city’s namesake butterfly is on a secret mission. In a death-defying stunt repeated over and over, she hangs upside down from a milkweed leaf and places one egg on the underside. She must lay as many eggs as she can to ensure the next generation's survival.    

Meanwhile, Officer Waters is back at the station working dispatch when an anonymous caller complains, “The ladybugs are at it. Again. Why can’t…”  Waters cuts the call and heads for the door. She knows exactly what she’ll find.

Channing Tatummmmm and Sandra Bull-ooh-la-la once again forgot they’re no longer in a lost city and are engaged in some afternoon delight. Across the leaves and stems of not one, but two, milkweed plants. Circus music accompanies the scene, in which Sandra, carrying Channing on her back the whole time, turns on a dime after every few many-footed steps.

But, the frisky duo gives Waters the slip when her cellphone blows up. Now it’s the candy-striped leafhoppers on the top of a short milkweed where everyone in Monarch City can see them. And, they’ve been at it for an hour.

On her way, Waters passes the dead bodies of a fly, a tiny brown caterpillar fixed in the death curl, and several aphids, all dangling from silk threads over a pile of now-unidentifiable victims.

The suspect? Michael Impale Rioli (she/her/hers), known as House Spider and reputed to have a side hustle with the local mob.

But, that has to wait.

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Cut to candy-stripers Gina Davisilly and Brad Pitthopper doing the deed butt-to-butt. Davisilly’s leafhopper-in-crime Susan Sarangun is two leaves down and to the left, plotting their next move. She has no idea Pitthopper is about to abscond with the three meals worth of sap they have left.

Despite the scandal, Waters can't bring herself to arrest the hoppers. They’re just so darned cute. She’s relieved when someone tweets out a photo showing a half-dozen earwigs piled in between the new leaves atop a milkweed across town.

The press gets there first, and Waters has to issue what is now a stock statement, “The investigation is ongoing. All we can say right now is that it isn’t out of the question that sex is involved.”  

On her way home, Waters takes note that an ant is posted on nearly every milkweed leaf in the city. Rumor has it they're foot soldiers for mob bosses Robert Dinero and Ray Liottasaw. But, what are they running?  

It dawns on her. Aphids.

The mayor wanted to put a limit on the number of aphids allowed to live here. So, the City Council passed an ordinance to prevent the milkweed from being overrun. 

In a classic mob move, the ants pushed their operations mostly under-leaf. The ants "farm" the aphids, protecting them in exchange for the sweet liquid they produce. 

We could be talking extortion, bribery, corruption, aphid trafficking.

It's getting dark. Waters decides to take it up tomorrow.

As the sun sets on Monarch City, a soft brown moth with yellow markings can be seen resting flat against the underside of a leaf. And, dispatch receives a report that bright flashes are coming from the garden. Whaddaya know? It’s Officer Waters wielding an iPhone and whispering, “A clover hayworm moth. Sweet.”

Cut to sunrise. There’s loud chewing coming from a milkweed on the east side of town. Some of the leaves have raggedy half-moon cut-outs. Out of the corner of her eye, Waters sees tiny antennae waving above bits of white, yellow and black. Can it be? Yes!

Those rogue monarch caterpillars Mel Gibsonite and Danny Clover are munching away. Their parents' plaintive wail? “We don’t know what to do with them. They’re eating us out of house and home, waking the neighbors, and... have you seen all the poop? It’s everywhere. All they do is eat and poop.”

Officer Waters pings dispatch, “Send a social worker.”

Angelina Jolibutter glides over the top of the weathered stockade fence and flutters to a stop on Monarch City's only rose bush.

—Wendall Waters can’t wait to find out if Angelina Jolibutter accomplished her mission. In the meantime, she’s taken Mel Gibsonite and Danny Clover into protective custody. Go to the Wendall in the Wild Facebook page to see what those two scofflaws are up to.